Spouse

It's an interesting position I'm in. I can't speak to Candices experience, or what it's like to be trans. So a lot of times, I feel like my voice doesn't matter. But I do have a role in all of this. And my story and what I am going through is important too.

I think the spouses story and experience gets overlooked a lot. I in no way think our experience is more important- but I think our perspective should be seen more often. 

It's not easy. For a plethora of reasons. It's terrible to see the person you love most hurting and you not being able to fix it. It's awful questioning what is going to happen, if you will be the couple who makes it, or if you will become another couple that didn't survive transition. It's hard to keep those fears and thoughts stored away, so you can be strong for your partner.  

There is a certain amount of pressure put on the spouse. A pressure that isn't easy to describe. You are the solid one, the rock. You need to be perfect, unfaltering. It's an unspoken pressure, but it is very real. And it's kind of expected of you- from everyone. Friends, family, strangers, and your spouse.

I wouldn't dream of not going through this with Candice, and I don't ever see myself leaving. In fact, I know I won't. I know we are meant to be together, But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard sometimes. I wish there were more stories being told that I can relate to. I wish it didn't feel so lonely sometimes.  

Cloud nine

It's really easy to get caught up in bullshit, fears, what ifs, and negativity.  But when you really think about it- none of that matters. 

At the end of the day- Candice & I will be together. I know that in my heart. I know she is the person I am supposed to be with. 

Life has been a whirlwind lately. But in mostly good ways. And those are what I need to remember. 

And the best thing lately... I am pregnant. 14 weeks today. Candice & I are gonna be parents. Which is something we have been trying for. 

In September of last year, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Prior to the miscarriage we had found out that I had some issues with getting pregnant. Knowing that, made the miscarriage even harder. The next 6 months were spent doing fertility treatments, and trying to get pregnant. 

Saying it was exhausting is an understatement. It was extremely hard on both of us, and definitely tested us in a lot of ways. 

Eventually we stopped trying. I was going crazy, and we needed to reevaluate. Re ground and regroup. Be us again. 

Shortly after that- I was a week late, took 5 pregnancy tests- all positive. And am now 14 weeks pregnant. 

I've been not facing that this is real. Because I am scared- but it is real. And it is happening. And I couldn't be happier about having a child with Candice. 

This pregnancy, and child is even more of a reminder of my love for Candice. 

The past few days have been spent thinking about those things. The positives. The things that matter. And what matters is that I am head over heels in love with Candice, and we are gonna have a baby. 😊

Selfish

I pride myself on being selfless. I believe it to be one of my best traits. No matter how much therapy I go through that tells me to "put myself first" I refuse to fully do that. And I am proud of that.

I am proud of loving someone so much that I don't matter anymore. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I honestly don't. 

I do value Candice more than I value myself. Her life and well being is and always will be more important to me than mine. And like I said- I don't think that's a bad thing. 

But sometimes, I have these bouts of selfishness that make me kind of sick. I've spent two days being selfish. And I pretty much hate myself for it. I am racking my brain to figure out the reasons why, and maybe somewhere in all the explanations I am coming up with is the truth. 

Candice needed me. She hasn't been taking the best care of herself and her needs, and I haven't been taking care of her either. She came to me- needed me. Needed my support & reassurance. And all I could do was spout out my fears and insecurities in regards to her transition. How fucked up and selfish of me. 

It is extremely out of character for me to do that. And she didn't even flinch at it... The first time. She thanked me for my honesty, said she appreciated it. I knew it wasn't true. And that I fucked up. But she never made me feel that way. 

Then the next day I went with her to an appointment, and we had lunch afterwards. And she asked me how I was feeling, being out together... Especially in regards to the feelings I had expressed the day before. 

I said I felt reassured. That I felt positive that things would always be that same, and that she would be the same person no matter what. That I loved her and everything would be fine. 

But I didn't stop there. In the way I always do, I tried to explain the previous day, and explain it (which wasn't needed) and in doing that, I ended up crying at lunch, and just reiterating the fears I had expressed before. I pushed her away, and made her feel like there was no way she could transition. That transition wouldn't be worth it, because it would hurt me to much. 

I spent the rest of the day feeling awful, and trying to make up for my shitty reactions and shitty choices of words. But it doesn't matter- they were said and I can't pretend like they weren't.

I feel like fears are natural- that I have a right to have these fears- and that they are justified. However I don't feel like I expressed them properly or fairly. 

I think that I have a lot of work to do in regards to preparing for her transition and that I should probably be talking to my therapist about it. 

I am incredibly disappointed in myself. It doesn't matter that she forgives me, or understands- I was wrong in the things I said. Because they are not the things I truly feel. 

I truly feel like we will be together forever, no matter what. I think we are one of the stories that will survive transition. But I don't think it will be easy. 

I think I need to speak more carefully, and think my thoughts through before I say them. And that is something i intend to work on. 

There is a lot going on in our lives right now, and there is a lot of pressure on Candice. And that pressure is already pushing her towards denying herself transition. That is the last thing I want. 

We have prided ourselves on always being a team- and being there for each other. I haven't been keeping up my end of that lately. 

And sure, I have reasons- but they don't excuse it. They don't make it right. 

Forever.

I haven't blogged in awhile. There is a lot going on, things I can't really talk about yet- which makes it hard to blog. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Candice & I, and what our future looks like. If you think too much, it can get you real anxious. 

Rightfully so, we both have concerns about how transition is going to affect our relationship. We've heard & read the stories of relationships falling apart & those stories are more common than the success stories. 

But. When we look at it, the stories don't look like ours. Most of those stories, the partners sexual orientation doesn't match after transition. I understand that. You want to believe that love conquers all- but you can't expect a heterosexual woman to become a lesbian. I want to believe it can happen, but most times it doesn't. 

That is where I feel like we differ. My sexual orientation has never be clearly defined, I just never put thought into it. I just was attracted to who I was attracted to- and that was it. By definition, I would identify as pansexual. 

All my past relationships have been heterosexual ones, but my past relationships also all took place in high school. 

As an adult, I have been able to explore and understand my sexuality more. Not only do I find people of all sexes and gender identies attractive, I have a preference for trans people. That was something I wasnt fully aware of, something I didn't know how to express until being with Candice. I didn't know how to express my sexuality really at all until Candice. How lucky am I, that she was exactly what I was longing for- without even knowing it? I feel blessed about that all the time. 

And I would say I have a strong preference for trans people.  And not in a fetishized way. I genuinely find trans people to be the most beautiful people, inside & out. I believe that that is what makes Candice & I different. 

I know it's cliche, and everyone says it- but I didn't fall in love with what she looks like. I fell in love with who she is. And that isn't going to change. Plus, she's a super babe. 😻 

She was nervous about it the other day.. But it's gonna take more than transition to get rid of me. When we got married, I said forever, and I meant it. 

Emotions

Running rampant.

My words will fail me, but they usually do.    

Candice & I watched new episodes of True Trans today, which is why my brain is on overdrive. The episodes that were released today were perfect for Candice, and where she is at. She needed them. 

I need them too. I need to hear the stories, get more educated. I need to understand what Candice feels as much as possible. 

It never fails that I sit and stare, lost in thought after an episode. This time, I got angry. 

Angry that the world isn't a better place, that people have to feel alone, that being yourself is a battle, that there may be people who chose to not accept Candice, that people may be mean to her, that people think they have a right to judge others. 

I could go on. But I think the point is clear. 

I think Candice is the most beautiful person in the world, and the fact that there are people who can't see that, or understand that- makes me really sad. 

Why do people care? That always gets me. If someone isn't hurting anyone, why the hell do you care how they live their life?  

Basically I hate the world right now. 

Trans Affirming

It's taken me a few days to sort through my thoughts enough to write them. I think I can do it now. I think. 😉

The other night Candice's transition came up while we were with one of our friends. The conversation was supportive and friendly- but it still caused me to think afterwards. 

I haven't had that type of conversation yet, other than with my mother, so it threw me off a bit. 

What I kept thinking about was how shocking it was to hear the questions being asked. Maybe shocking is the wrong word- but it's all I got right now. 

Candice & I live in a very trans affirming world. In our world- trans is a non issue. And I forget that it is not that way for everyone. When questions get asked that are inappropriate I have to remind myself that not everyone lives in the world that we do. 

It also reminds me that that was how I used to be. That I used to not know anything, and probably asked Candice all the wrong questions. She was patient with me, and still is. 

I'm not doing well with writing this blog. Forgive me. 

I guess the main take away from that night was to remember that not everyone thinks like I do. To remember to be patient, and teach. 

It's easy to get mad, but it gets us nowhere. People honestly don't know how to talk about it, so sometimes you need to help them learn. 

Foot in mouth

I've been beating myself up for the past 12 hours. 

I pride myself on being open, accepting and educated with all things related to Candice. But I still fuck up sometimes- and when I do- it drives me nuts. Especially when there is an audience.... And even more so when that audience is Bailey Jay. 

I've called in to the Bailey Jay Show podcast 3 times now. Everytime I have talked about my wife, and everytime Bailey asks about her. Bailey follows her on Twitter, so I knew eventually Candice being trans would come up. But I wasn't nearly as prepared for it as I thought I was. 

I was talking about how Candice just got a promotion at work, and Bailey said "your wife is a trans woman" And I said yes, but paused, stumbled over words, and said something about it being weird/crazy/complicated because she was in the beginning stages of her transition. Totally came off the wrong way. 

What I meant was that with her new promotion it's complicated, because she is early in her transition and has not yet had to disclose that she is trans.

I think Bailey knew what I meant. She didn't skip a beat and asked if Candice's job was trans affirming. And my response was "we will find out." So I think that may have made it make more sense. 

The fact is that Candice has been gender fluid the whole time we have been together. She's been out as trans for the past 5 years, so saying she's in the early stages of transition sometimes seems wrong too. Because she has done so much already. 

I've been replaying that conversation with Bailey Jay over and over and over. Feeling like an awful spouse, because I am afraid I didn't sound affirming, or supportive. But in some ways, it was probably important for me to mess up a little. Remind myself that I am still learning, but that the important thing is that I continue to learn, and grow. 

I don't always know the right things to say, and I think that is all part of the process as well. Things are changing for Candice, and they are for me as well. And I think messing up, flubbing words, being taken off guard and not knowing exactly what to say is part of the process that a spouse goes through. 

I am just lucky that I have a wife who is understanding and doesn't expect me to be perfect. She knows my heart is never in a bad place and that in a lot of ways, I am still learning. 

The Happiest Place on Earth...

Recently we took a trip to Disneyland. As usual, it was a great time. But there was something special this trip. 

There is a certain magic in the air at Disneyland. A magic that makes you feel like anything is possible. You take down your walls & are vulnerable & open. (At least that's how I feel) 

This magic was exactly what we needed. We have had some rough times lately- and we needed a few days where we spent them in sheer happiness & openess. 

We had a lot of great, casual-yet deep conversations. A lot of them about Candice's transition. Every time we talked about it, it makes me wonder why I am at all nervous. Why I think anything will change. I know it won't. I know in heart we are meant to be with each other. That this path is the one we are supposed to be on. 

The whole time we were there all I could think about was Candice, and how much I love her, and how I can't wait to see where life takes us next. 

I feel so excited about our adventures and about seeing her be her true self. Words can't describe the way I am feeling. 

Happy. 

True Trans

It's taken me a little while to figure out all the emotions I felt after watching Laura Jane Grace's show "True Trans". 

First, let me just say that it was amazing. I cried through all four episodes, but in a somewhat good way. Let me explain...

The show coming out now is particularly good for me and Candice. I cried the entire time because I saw her in everyone. I've heard her say all those same things before. I sat there, listening... Trying to help, but not knowing what to do or say. 

For the first time she is taking the steps towards being her true self, whatever that may look like or mean- she is on that path. 

I felt so many emotions while watching, but the most overwhelming one was the respect I felt for every person on that show, and for my wife. 

She has expressed her feelings multiple times, but having her laying in my lap, watching True Trans, and feeling her crying made things incredibly clear. 

I like to say that I've always known she would transition, but I don't think that's entirely true. 

I've always known it was a possibility, that's fair to say. Now I know it is reality. Even if she doesn't fully know it yet. Watching True Trans made me realize even more that there is no way she can not transition. 

I've had my share of fears regarding her transition, but they all went away after watching, and listening to everyone's stories. 

The most important thing to me is Candice's happiness. She is the most beautiful, perfect human I have ever known. She has shown me constant compassion through every one of battles, and it's my turn to do the same for her. 

This next chapter of her journey won't be easy, but I will be right by her side holding her hand. That is where I am meant to be. 

I know that even more now. 

Love

I've been thinking a lot (as usual) but in a different way. I've been thinking about love and Candice. 

I've never had any restrictions on love or what that meant. I've never had expectations on who my partner would be, or what they would look like. I have always figured that finding love was hard enough- so there was no point in limiting who you could fall in love with. 

When Candice told me about her being trans, I waited for it to bother me, for it to make me run away- but it only made me want to stay more. Her soul was beautiful- and I was already connected to her. In a way I had never felt before. 

I can't explain what made me stay, or what made me unaffected, other than love. I had this overwhelming feeling that she was who I was meant to spend my life with, no matter what that looked like. 

There are some people who are so beautiful, so mystifying, so intriguing that you can't help but be drawn to them. She is one of those people. You get these connections, these feelings, that can't be explained, but all you know is that you want to see that person everyday, and you want to see them happy. 

She has the most amazing smile. The one she makes when she thinks no one is looking. When she is truly happy & content. And I live for that smile. I long for it everyday and feel blessed everytime I see it. 

Other people probably would have ran away, other people don't understand her. But she always made sense to me. Our relationship and connection just always made sense. 

And that's the only way I can possibly explain it. 

I truly believe we were made for each other. 

Withdrawals

Camerin & I went and saw Against Me! on Saturday... This is the third time in 5 weeks... I'm pretty sure we are gonna start to have withdrawals soon. 

Camerin didn't attend the show as Candice, which felt very weird, and just not right. Things have been a little messy, chaotic, and just weird the past few days. Things happened which made dressing not a possibility. 

We've both been going through so much. I am on a leave from work, for a myriad of reasons, and she is trying to figure out who she is really is. 

It's pretty shitty timing for both of us to be weak-but it's reality. 

There is a power struggle- of who's shit is more important- when the reality is, it's equally important. 

It's been a rough few days, and I am sad I didn't get to see Candice on Saturday. I'm actually sad everyday I don't get to see her. That's how I know that transition won't change anything. When I dream, I see Candice, when I fantasize, I see Candice. When I look at Camerin-I see Candice. And that's how it's been since we had that fateful conversation 7 years ago. 

Things are gonna get harder before they get easier- but the payoff will be worth it. 

The juice will be worth the squeeze. 

Racing thoughts

My brain has been on overdrive. Not in a bad way, but just going constantly. 

I've been thinking about Candice's transition, and what that process is gonna look like. 

I have no way of actually being prepared. I'd like to think I am as prepared as possible, but I know the actuality of it will look different then I can imagine. 

I love her, no matter what. She makes me feel a way that no one else ever has or could, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. 

Candice is beautiful. All the time. It's nothing about the way she will look. It's about the way our relationship will be. 

I'm afraid of our roles changing. Of Candice feeling like she needs to take on a traditional female role, and want me to take on a traditional male role. I don't think that will happen. Mostly because we already are pretty balanced in that department- but it's still a real fear of mine. 

I am afraid of our relationship changing. We are perfect now. And everything works so well- I am afraid of that changing. I know these fears are probably irrational, and just an overreaction. 

I know that I have been running on overdrive in my brain, and that that is making things worse. 

I know in my heart, that no matter what, as long as we are together- we will be fine. 

I need to remind myself of that. 

As long as we are together- we will be fine...no matter what. 

I've always known...

Maybe saying I've always known is a bit of an overstatement, but ever since Candice started blogging- I've had a feeling she would transition. 

Since she began writing down her unfiltered thoughts- I've known. I've always had a feeling. 

Whenever Candice is dressed she is comfortable, at ease. You can see the tension release as she puts on her makeup and gets dressed. You can see her true beauty shine through. She is happy. 

I've asked her multiple times over the year, and she has always said no. Until recently. Her honesty lately is refreshing. Seeing her come into her own is truly beautiful. 

She still says that she is unsure, but I know the answer. And I am beyond ok with it. I fell in love with who she is, not what she looks like. I fell in love with how she makes me feel. And that will never change. She is hands down the most beautiful, real person I have ever met... And I get to call her my wife. I'm beyond lucky. 

This next chapter will be an interesting one. It will be filled with change, growing, beauty and even some heartache. I will grieve the loss of Camerin, but rejoice in the birth of Candice. 

Classic Beauty

Last night Candice & I had dinner with her twin sister Cassandra, and it was simply amazing. 

Candice wore one of my dresses, which was a perfect fit for her. She looked so classically beautiful. It was a black & white polka dot dress and the makeup she did suited the dress perfectly. 

The conversation at dinner made my heart so happy. I mostly sat back and watched Candice & her sister interact. Listening to them talk about family members discovering Candice is trans, and then the topic of transition came up. That's when things got even more amazing. 

Candice opened up, and shared that transition is something we have been talking about. Her sister was incredibly supportive, told Candice that the only thing that mattered was her being herself.  She spoke about how it's nice to see Candice when she is dressed, because she looks comfortable and happy. She also spoke about how she wouldn't have any reservations about her two children (ages 8 & 6) knowing. She said that they would love Candice no matter what. 

My heart was overfilled with joy during these conversations. I know Candice has been nervous about what transition means, and what her family would say. I know that it meant a lot to hear her sister say such great words of support. Candice looked truly happy and comfortable- which was beautiful.

After dinner we watched The Fault in our Stars at our house with pjs on and some drinks. It was a perfect night.

 It was another reminder of why I am the luckiest girl in the world. Seeing Candice last night being comfortable and confident was my favorite thing about the night. 

Here is a pic from last night, doesn't she look beautiful? 

My world.

Be prepared for the cheesiest of cheesy. I am feeling all kinds of love and emotions and I am gonna let them out here. 

I've said it multiple times, and written countless blogs about it. But my love for Candice, and our life is something that is unexplainable and something that is so amazing to me. 

My whole life I wanted to be loved. Especially for who I am. As is. And I never found that until Candice. I always had to prove myself, change myself, perfect myself, be someone I'm not. 

I spent 4 years alone before I met Candice, and those years taught me a lot- but not nearly as much as I have learned in my 7 years with her. 

She not only loved me for me, but she inspired me. She made me want to grow, to be a better person, to challenge myself. The type of love you see in romantic comedies. The dream that we as woman as conditioned to search for- I found in her. 

Our life has always been different. It has never fit the norm, but it's always been amazing. People have not always understood us, and in some ways I'm sure they still don't. But we have always understood each other, and that was all that mattered. 

She is strong when I am weak. She recognizes things in me before I do. When I went to treatment for my eating disorder- it was because she did the research, she found a place for me to go. She pushed me to get better, in the most kind and compassionate way possible. It didn't matter how much it was gonna cost or how much work it would be. She knew I had to do it. I would have never made that decision on my own. And she knew that. I am awful at making decisions, especially when they involve me taking care of myself. She makes me want to take care of myself. 

Candice not only sees all the good in me, she sees all the bad too. But she still loves me. And not in spite of my flaws, but because I am flawed. And I love her the same way. 

Cheesy enough yet? 😉

I could go on and on and on, in fact I probably will write a million more blogs about her and how much I love her. But none of them will do it justice. 

I wake up everyday more in love with her than the day before. Everything I do is for her, and because of my love for her and our relationship. She is my reason, my world.

We've had the hardest year of life this past year. A year that could have torn us apart, but it didn't. We refuse to be beaten. This year has been beyond anything I was prepared for, but it has also brought Candice and I closer. 

I am rambling, but I don't care. The point is- I love her, and everyday she makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I hope everyone can find a love like ours. 

My girl Candice

She makes me feel amazing. Inspired. Like the luckiest person in the world.

I get to share this life with someone who I believe is the most amazing human being ever. That's luck. That's what we all wish for.

She inspires me everyday. To live my truth. To be me. The real me. And for that- I am eternally grateful. 

I am a better person because she is in my life. 

Times they are a changing...

Yesterday after I blogged, I read through some of my older blogs. They were eye opening in a way. 

In all my older blogs, I refer to Camerin more often than Candice. I also use all male pronouns and make reference multiple times to her being a man. 

Reading some of them made me sad, but also showed me how far we have come. How our relationship has progressed, how much I've learned. 

When I started this journey with Candice, I had never met a transgender person, and knew little about them and their lives. I was naive and a little bit ignorant. I didn't think before speaking (or writing) and just said whatever I wanted to. 

Candice being the amazing person she is, let me do that. Let me learn. She guided me while I learned about her and her world. I'm grateful that I have progressed in the 7 years we have been together. And I am even more grateful that she let me make mistakes, without getting upset. She has taught me more than I can ever explain, and not just about her experience as a transgender woman, but about life and love. 

It's crazy to think that there was a time when our life wasn't "normal". When I didn't know how to talk about it, or explain it. Now I could speak about it for days. Sometimes you think nothing has changed, or you haven't learned anything, when in reality it has. You've grown, it's just been so gradual and natural- that you didn't realize it. 

Thoughts & thoughts & thoughts

Candice and I have had an open dialogue going about her transitioning. It's been a great continual conversation, and has created a safe place for both of us to discuss our feelings. 

I've always thought that someday Candice would transition. I think from the first time she told me about her dressing. Maybe not that early- but as soon as she started blogging, and opening up, I figured her transition would be a reality in our lives. 

I have asked her numerous times, with her always saying no. Until recently. We love Against Me, and have been to a couple of their shows lately. At those shows, Candice was dressed, and it was the happiest I have probably ever seen her. Going to those shows and seeing her like that have made the conversation easier to talk about. We've also been listening to the Bailey Jay Show, and following a lot of her stuff lately, which I believe have also led to a more open conversation. 

Candice has role models & inspirations in Laura Jane Grace, and Bailey Jay.  which I think have helped her think about her own life in different ways. Have helped her think about things changing, that transition is a possibility. 

I wouldn't leave. Ever. I'm in love with who Candice is, and that will never change. I admit that I have some reservations... That's not the right word. I have some sadness about it. I would miss Camerin. Of course I would. I think that's natural to feel that way. But seeing the person I love most in life happy- would make up for that. Her happiness means the world to me- and I would do lanything to make her happy.... Seriously. 

I have no doubt in my mind that Candice & I are meant to be together. I also have no doubt that our life is meant to look different than everyone else's, no matter what that means. 

I am glad we have been talking about it. I don't know if Candice will transition or not. But I do know that I will be by her side no matter what. She is half my heart, always...

Fun night with my girl

Last night was simply amazing. 

Candice has been asking to buy some cute lingerie and have a fun photoshoot and I was all for that idea. 

She found some beautiful lingerie, and we planned to somewhat recreate a photoshoot that Bailey Jay had done. 

Unfortunately I got real sick, and Candice had to work- so the photoshoot got delayed, until last night. 

I wanted the night to be about her, she deserves it. I told her that I would be her photographer and would do her makeup. Helping her feel beautiful is one of my favorite things in the world. 

Touching her face while putting her makeup on, gives me this feeling I can't explain. Seeing her smile when she looks in the mirror- melts my heart. Because she is happy. The most true happiness I've ever seen from her. 

The photos turned out amazing. (She was nervous- I knew they would be perfect) and the night was all around amazing. After drinks, photos and lots of laughter, we ate some dinner and watched a movie. 

When we went to bed, I laid there and looked at her, beautiful, peaceful, happy. I had wonderful dreams about her and our life together. 

Last night was a great reminder of why we are together- and why we work so well together. Our love is something unexplainable. Natural. Everything just makes sense when we are together. 

I can't wait for our next photoshoot- I want to take pictures of her all the time. Show her how beautiful she is. 

Art projects

I am super excited. I have like 20 different art project ideas- and the best part? I need Candice as my model. It's a photography/mixed media project and I am very excited about it. I can't wait to take pictures of my beautiful girlfriend. 

Hopefully we can take the pictures in the next week. Or the week after. 

We are going to disneyland and west Hollywood. Maybe when we go out that will be a good time to get the pictures. 

But more than anything- I am looking forward to spending time with her. We were hoping to go out on yesterday- but logistics of the day and the doctors appointments made it not possible. :( 

Soon. I want & need to see her soon :)

OH SNAP!

I'm Back! HA! It's been years... literally.

I was just talking with Camerin about how i need to blog on here more often. We have been talking about Candice and trying to figure out making more time for her. Camerin sometimes needs my encouragement- and i haven't been doing that.

Our lives have been ridiculously consumed with trying to get pregnant. and before that we were consumed with work, life and everything else. It's not right and it's not ok.

Candice is important to me. Important to us. I used to do a really good job of showing that support. Of pushing her to go out. I haven't been doing that. I would ask for dates with her, ask for fun time with her. I haven't done that. Maybe thats what has been missing.

There has been this feeling of something missing in our relationship. I am not unhappy at all. But something feels like its gone... and i think it's Candice.

We went out for pride a couple weeks ago- which was amazing. I want to go out again. ASAP.

 

Don't we look happy? it felt so good.