Withdrawals

Camerin & I went and saw Against Me! on Saturday... This is the third time in 5 weeks... I'm pretty sure we are gonna start to have withdrawals soon. 

Camerin didn't attend the show as Candice, which felt very weird, and just not right. Things have been a little messy, chaotic, and just weird the past few days. Things happened which made dressing not a possibility. 

We've both been going through so much. I am on a leave from work, for a myriad of reasons, and she is trying to figure out who she is really is. 

It's pretty shitty timing for both of us to be weak-but it's reality. 

There is a power struggle- of who's shit is more important- when the reality is, it's equally important. 

It's been a rough few days, and I am sad I didn't get to see Candice on Saturday. I'm actually sad everyday I don't get to see her. That's how I know that transition won't change anything. When I dream, I see Candice, when I fantasize, I see Candice. When I look at Camerin-I see Candice. And that's how it's been since we had that fateful conversation 7 years ago. 

Things are gonna get harder before they get easier- but the payoff will be worth it. 

The juice will be worth the squeeze. 

Racing thoughts

My brain has been on overdrive. Not in a bad way, but just going constantly. 

I've been thinking about Candice's transition, and what that process is gonna look like. 

I have no way of actually being prepared. I'd like to think I am as prepared as possible, but I know the actuality of it will look different then I can imagine. 

I love her, no matter what. She makes me feel a way that no one else ever has or could, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. 

Candice is beautiful. All the time. It's nothing about the way she will look. It's about the way our relationship will be. 

I'm afraid of our roles changing. Of Candice feeling like she needs to take on a traditional female role, and want me to take on a traditional male role. I don't think that will happen. Mostly because we already are pretty balanced in that department- but it's still a real fear of mine. 

I am afraid of our relationship changing. We are perfect now. And everything works so well- I am afraid of that changing. I know these fears are probably irrational, and just an overreaction. 

I know that I have been running on overdrive in my brain, and that that is making things worse. 

I know in my heart, that no matter what, as long as we are together- we will be fine. 

I need to remind myself of that. 

As long as we are together- we will be fine...no matter what. 

I've always known...

Maybe saying I've always known is a bit of an overstatement, but ever since Candice started blogging- I've had a feeling she would transition. 

Since she began writing down her unfiltered thoughts- I've known. I've always had a feeling. 

Whenever Candice is dressed she is comfortable, at ease. You can see the tension release as she puts on her makeup and gets dressed. You can see her true beauty shine through. She is happy. 

I've asked her multiple times over the year, and she has always said no. Until recently. Her honesty lately is refreshing. Seeing her come into her own is truly beautiful. 

She still says that she is unsure, but I know the answer. And I am beyond ok with it. I fell in love with who she is, not what she looks like. I fell in love with how she makes me feel. And that will never change. She is hands down the most beautiful, real person I have ever met... And I get to call her my wife. I'm beyond lucky. 

This next chapter will be an interesting one. It will be filled with change, growing, beauty and even some heartache. I will grieve the loss of Camerin, but rejoice in the birth of Candice. 

Classic Beauty

Last night Candice & I had dinner with her twin sister Cassandra, and it was simply amazing. 

Candice wore one of my dresses, which was a perfect fit for her. She looked so classically beautiful. It was a black & white polka dot dress and the makeup she did suited the dress perfectly. 

The conversation at dinner made my heart so happy. I mostly sat back and watched Candice & her sister interact. Listening to them talk about family members discovering Candice is trans, and then the topic of transition came up. That's when things got even more amazing. 

Candice opened up, and shared that transition is something we have been talking about. Her sister was incredibly supportive, told Candice that the only thing that mattered was her being herself.  She spoke about how it's nice to see Candice when she is dressed, because she looks comfortable and happy. She also spoke about how she wouldn't have any reservations about her two children (ages 8 & 6) knowing. She said that they would love Candice no matter what. 

My heart was overfilled with joy during these conversations. I know Candice has been nervous about what transition means, and what her family would say. I know that it meant a lot to hear her sister say such great words of support. Candice looked truly happy and comfortable- which was beautiful.

After dinner we watched The Fault in our Stars at our house with pjs on and some drinks. It was a perfect night.

 It was another reminder of why I am the luckiest girl in the world. Seeing Candice last night being comfortable and confident was my favorite thing about the night. 

Here is a pic from last night, doesn't she look beautiful? 

My world.

Be prepared for the cheesiest of cheesy. I am feeling all kinds of love and emotions and I am gonna let them out here. 

I've said it multiple times, and written countless blogs about it. But my love for Candice, and our life is something that is unexplainable and something that is so amazing to me. 

My whole life I wanted to be loved. Especially for who I am. As is. And I never found that until Candice. I always had to prove myself, change myself, perfect myself, be someone I'm not. 

I spent 4 years alone before I met Candice, and those years taught me a lot- but not nearly as much as I have learned in my 7 years with her. 

She not only loved me for me, but she inspired me. She made me want to grow, to be a better person, to challenge myself. The type of love you see in romantic comedies. The dream that we as woman as conditioned to search for- I found in her. 

Our life has always been different. It has never fit the norm, but it's always been amazing. People have not always understood us, and in some ways I'm sure they still don't. But we have always understood each other, and that was all that mattered. 

She is strong when I am weak. She recognizes things in me before I do. When I went to treatment for my eating disorder- it was because she did the research, she found a place for me to go. She pushed me to get better, in the most kind and compassionate way possible. It didn't matter how much it was gonna cost or how much work it would be. She knew I had to do it. I would have never made that decision on my own. And she knew that. I am awful at making decisions, especially when they involve me taking care of myself. She makes me want to take care of myself. 

Candice not only sees all the good in me, she sees all the bad too. But she still loves me. And not in spite of my flaws, but because I am flawed. And I love her the same way. 

Cheesy enough yet? 😉

I could go on and on and on, in fact I probably will write a million more blogs about her and how much I love her. But none of them will do it justice. 

I wake up everyday more in love with her than the day before. Everything I do is for her, and because of my love for her and our relationship. She is my reason, my world.

We've had the hardest year of life this past year. A year that could have torn us apart, but it didn't. We refuse to be beaten. This year has been beyond anything I was prepared for, but it has also brought Candice and I closer. 

I am rambling, but I don't care. The point is- I love her, and everyday she makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I hope everyone can find a love like ours. 

My girl Candice

She makes me feel amazing. Inspired. Like the luckiest person in the world.

I get to share this life with someone who I believe is the most amazing human being ever. That's luck. That's what we all wish for.

She inspires me everyday. To live my truth. To be me. The real me. And for that- I am eternally grateful. 

I am a better person because she is in my life. 

Times they are a changing...

Yesterday after I blogged, I read through some of my older blogs. They were eye opening in a way. 

In all my older blogs, I refer to Camerin more often than Candice. I also use all male pronouns and make reference multiple times to her being a man. 

Reading some of them made me sad, but also showed me how far we have come. How our relationship has progressed, how much I've learned. 

When I started this journey with Candice, I had never met a transgender person, and knew little about them and their lives. I was naive and a little bit ignorant. I didn't think before speaking (or writing) and just said whatever I wanted to. 

Candice being the amazing person she is, let me do that. Let me learn. She guided me while I learned about her and her world. I'm grateful that I have progressed in the 7 years we have been together. And I am even more grateful that she let me make mistakes, without getting upset. She has taught me more than I can ever explain, and not just about her experience as a transgender woman, but about life and love. 

It's crazy to think that there was a time when our life wasn't "normal". When I didn't know how to talk about it, or explain it. Now I could speak about it for days. Sometimes you think nothing has changed, or you haven't learned anything, when in reality it has. You've grown, it's just been so gradual and natural- that you didn't realize it. 

Thoughts & thoughts & thoughts

Candice and I have had an open dialogue going about her transitioning. It's been a great continual conversation, and has created a safe place for both of us to discuss our feelings. 

I've always thought that someday Candice would transition. I think from the first time she told me about her dressing. Maybe not that early- but as soon as she started blogging, and opening up, I figured her transition would be a reality in our lives. 

I have asked her numerous times, with her always saying no. Until recently. We love Against Me, and have been to a couple of their shows lately. At those shows, Candice was dressed, and it was the happiest I have probably ever seen her. Going to those shows and seeing her like that have made the conversation easier to talk about. We've also been listening to the Bailey Jay Show, and following a lot of her stuff lately, which I believe have also led to a more open conversation. 

Candice has role models & inspirations in Laura Jane Grace, and Bailey Jay.  which I think have helped her think about her own life in different ways. Have helped her think about things changing, that transition is a possibility. 

I wouldn't leave. Ever. I'm in love with who Candice is, and that will never change. I admit that I have some reservations... That's not the right word. I have some sadness about it. I would miss Camerin. Of course I would. I think that's natural to feel that way. But seeing the person I love most in life happy- would make up for that. Her happiness means the world to me- and I would do lanything to make her happy.... Seriously. 

I have no doubt in my mind that Candice & I are meant to be together. I also have no doubt that our life is meant to look different than everyone else's, no matter what that means. 

I am glad we have been talking about it. I don't know if Candice will transition or not. But I do know that I will be by her side no matter what. She is half my heart, always...

Fun night with my girl

Last night was simply amazing. 

Candice has been asking to buy some cute lingerie and have a fun photoshoot and I was all for that idea. 

She found some beautiful lingerie, and we planned to somewhat recreate a photoshoot that Bailey Jay had done. 

Unfortunately I got real sick, and Candice had to work- so the photoshoot got delayed, until last night. 

I wanted the night to be about her, she deserves it. I told her that I would be her photographer and would do her makeup. Helping her feel beautiful is one of my favorite things in the world. 

Touching her face while putting her makeup on, gives me this feeling I can't explain. Seeing her smile when she looks in the mirror- melts my heart. Because she is happy. The most true happiness I've ever seen from her. 

The photos turned out amazing. (She was nervous- I knew they would be perfect) and the night was all around amazing. After drinks, photos and lots of laughter, we ate some dinner and watched a movie. 

When we went to bed, I laid there and looked at her, beautiful, peaceful, happy. I had wonderful dreams about her and our life together. 

Last night was a great reminder of why we are together- and why we work so well together. Our love is something unexplainable. Natural. Everything just makes sense when we are together. 

I can't wait for our next photoshoot- I want to take pictures of her all the time. Show her how beautiful she is.