Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Selfish

I pride myself on being selfless. I believe it to be one of my best traits. No matter how much therapy I go through that tells me to "put myself first" I refuse to fully do that. And I am proud of that.

I am proud of loving someone so much that I don't matter anymore. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I honestly don't. 

I do value Candice more than I value myself. Her life and well being is and always will be more important to me than mine. And like I said- I don't think that's a bad thing. 

But sometimes, I have these bouts of selfishness that make me kind of sick. I've spent two days being selfish. And I pretty much hate myself for it. I am racking my brain to figure out the reasons why, and maybe somewhere in all the explanations I am coming up with is the truth. 

Candice needed me. She hasn't been taking the best care of herself and her needs, and I haven't been taking care of her either. She came to me- needed me. Needed my support & reassurance. And all I could do was spout out my fears and insecurities in regards to her transition. How fucked up and selfish of me. 

It is extremely out of character for me to do that. And she didn't even flinch at it... The first time. She thanked me for my honesty, said she appreciated it. I knew it wasn't true. And that I fucked up. But she never made me feel that way. 

Then the next day I went with her to an appointment, and we had lunch afterwards. And she asked me how I was feeling, being out together... Especially in regards to the feelings I had expressed the day before. 

I said I felt reassured. That I felt positive that things would always be that same, and that she would be the same person no matter what. That I loved her and everything would be fine. 

But I didn't stop there. In the way I always do, I tried to explain the previous day, and explain it (which wasn't needed) and in doing that, I ended up crying at lunch, and just reiterating the fears I had expressed before. I pushed her away, and made her feel like there was no way she could transition. That transition wouldn't be worth it, because it would hurt me to much. 

I spent the rest of the day feeling awful, and trying to make up for my shitty reactions and shitty choices of words. But it doesn't matter- they were said and I can't pretend like they weren't.

I feel like fears are natural- that I have a right to have these fears- and that they are justified. However I don't feel like I expressed them properly or fairly. 

I think that I have a lot of work to do in regards to preparing for her transition and that I should probably be talking to my therapist about it. 

I am incredibly disappointed in myself. It doesn't matter that she forgives me, or understands- I was wrong in the things I said. Because they are not the things I truly feel. 

I truly feel like we will be together forever, no matter what. I think we are one of the stories that will survive transition. But I don't think it will be easy. 

I think I need to speak more carefully, and think my thoughts through before I say them. And that is something i intend to work on. 

There is a lot going on in our lives right now, and there is a lot of pressure on Candice. And that pressure is already pushing her towards denying herself transition. That is the last thing I want. 

We have prided ourselves on always being a team- and being there for each other. I haven't been keeping up my end of that lately. 

And sure, I have reasons- but they don't excuse it. They don't make it right. 

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