Monday, October 20, 2014

Foot in mouth

I've been beating myself up for the past 12 hours. 

I pride myself on being open, accepting and educated with all things related to Candice. But I still fuck up sometimes- and when I do- it drives me nuts. Especially when there is an audience.... And even more so when that audience is Bailey Jay. 

I've called in to the Bailey Jay Show podcast 3 times now. Everytime I have talked about my wife, and everytime Bailey asks about her. Bailey follows her on Twitter, so I knew eventually Candice being trans would come up. But I wasn't nearly as prepared for it as I thought I was. 

I was talking about how Candice just got a promotion at work, and Bailey said "your wife is a trans woman" And I said yes, but paused, stumbled over words, and said something about it being weird/crazy/complicated because she was in the beginning stages of her transition. Totally came off the wrong way. 

What I meant was that with her new promotion it's complicated, because she is early in her transition and has not yet had to disclose that she is trans.

I think Bailey knew what I meant. She didn't skip a beat and asked if Candice's job was trans affirming. And my response was "we will find out." So I think that may have made it make more sense. 

The fact is that Candice has been gender fluid the whole time we have been together. She's been out as trans for the past 5 years, so saying she's in the early stages of transition sometimes seems wrong too. Because she has done so much already. 

I've been replaying that conversation with Bailey Jay over and over and over. Feeling like an awful spouse, because I am afraid I didn't sound affirming, or supportive. But in some ways, it was probably important for me to mess up a little. Remind myself that I am still learning, but that the important thing is that I continue to learn, and grow. 

I don't always know the right things to say, and I think that is all part of the process as well. Things are changing for Candice, and they are for me as well. And I think messing up, flubbing words, being taken off guard and not knowing exactly what to say is part of the process that a spouse goes through. 

I am just lucky that I have a wife who is understanding and doesn't expect me to be perfect. She knows my heart is never in a bad place and that in a lot of ways, I am still learning. 


  1. Chelsea, I've been following you and Candice for a little while now. I know Candice feels so fortunate that you're her wife. We all make little verbal stumbles occasionally. That you're even concerned about a small thing like this only demonstrates your beautiful commitment to each other. My best to both of you.

  2. Thank you so much. I beat myself up so hard about it, but when i listened to it on the podcast it was nothing like I thought. Ha!