Forever.

I haven't blogged in awhile. There is a lot going on, things I can't really talk about yet- which makes it hard to blog. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Candice & I, and what our future looks like. If you think too much, it can get you real anxious. 

Rightfully so, we both have concerns about how transition is going to affect our relationship. We've heard & read the stories of relationships falling apart & those stories are more common than the success stories. 

But. When we look at it, the stories don't look like ours. Most of those stories, the partners sexual orientation doesn't match after transition. I understand that. You want to believe that love conquers all- but you can't expect a heterosexual woman to become a lesbian. I want to believe it can happen, but most times it doesn't. 

That is where I feel like we differ. My sexual orientation has never be clearly defined, I just never put thought into it. I just was attracted to who I was attracted to- and that was it. By definition, I would identify as pansexual. 

All my past relationships have been heterosexual ones, but my past relationships also all took place in high school. 

As an adult, I have been able to explore and understand my sexuality more. Not only do I find people of all sexes and gender identies attractive, I have a preference for trans people. That was something I wasnt fully aware of, something I didn't know how to express until being with Candice. I didn't know how to express my sexuality really at all until Candice. How lucky am I, that she was exactly what I was longing for- without even knowing it? I feel blessed about that all the time. 

And I would say I have a strong preference for trans people.  And not in a fetishized way. I genuinely find trans people to be the most beautiful people, inside & out. I believe that that is what makes Candice & I different. 

I know it's cliche, and everyone says it- but I didn't fall in love with what she looks like. I fell in love with who she is. And that isn't going to change. Plus, she's a super babe. 😻 

She was nervous about it the other day.. But it's gonna take more than transition to get rid of me. When we got married, I said forever, and I meant it. 

Emotions

Running rampant.

My words will fail me, but they usually do.    

Candice & I watched new episodes of True Trans today, which is why my brain is on overdrive. The episodes that were released today were perfect for Candice, and where she is at. She needed them. 

I need them too. I need to hear the stories, get more educated. I need to understand what Candice feels as much as possible. 

It never fails that I sit and stare, lost in thought after an episode. This time, I got angry. 

Angry that the world isn't a better place, that people have to feel alone, that being yourself is a battle, that there may be people who chose to not accept Candice, that people may be mean to her, that people think they have a right to judge others. 

I could go on. But I think the point is clear. 

I think Candice is the most beautiful person in the world, and the fact that there are people who can't see that, or understand that- makes me really sad. 

Why do people care? That always gets me. If someone isn't hurting anyone, why the hell do you care how they live their life?  

Basically I hate the world right now. 

Trans Affirming

It's taken me a few days to sort through my thoughts enough to write them. I think I can do it now. I think. 😉

The other night Candice's transition came up while we were with one of our friends. The conversation was supportive and friendly- but it still caused me to think afterwards. 

I haven't had that type of conversation yet, other than with my mother, so it threw me off a bit. 

What I kept thinking about was how shocking it was to hear the questions being asked. Maybe shocking is the wrong word- but it's all I got right now. 

Candice & I live in a very trans affirming world. In our world- trans is a non issue. And I forget that it is not that way for everyone. When questions get asked that are inappropriate I have to remind myself that not everyone lives in the world that we do. 

It also reminds me that that was how I used to be. That I used to not know anything, and probably asked Candice all the wrong questions. She was patient with me, and still is. 

I'm not doing well with writing this blog. Forgive me. 

I guess the main take away from that night was to remember that not everyone thinks like I do. To remember to be patient, and teach. 

It's easy to get mad, but it gets us nowhere. People honestly don't know how to talk about it, so sometimes you need to help them learn. 

Foot in mouth

I've been beating myself up for the past 12 hours. 

I pride myself on being open, accepting and educated with all things related to Candice. But I still fuck up sometimes- and when I do- it drives me nuts. Especially when there is an audience.... And even more so when that audience is Bailey Jay. 

I've called in to the Bailey Jay Show podcast 3 times now. Everytime I have talked about my wife, and everytime Bailey asks about her. Bailey follows her on Twitter, so I knew eventually Candice being trans would come up. But I wasn't nearly as prepared for it as I thought I was. 

I was talking about how Candice just got a promotion at work, and Bailey said "your wife is a trans woman" And I said yes, but paused, stumbled over words, and said something about it being weird/crazy/complicated because she was in the beginning stages of her transition. Totally came off the wrong way. 

What I meant was that with her new promotion it's complicated, because she is early in her transition and has not yet had to disclose that she is trans.

I think Bailey knew what I meant. She didn't skip a beat and asked if Candice's job was trans affirming. And my response was "we will find out." So I think that may have made it make more sense. 

The fact is that Candice has been gender fluid the whole time we have been together. She's been out as trans for the past 5 years, so saying she's in the early stages of transition sometimes seems wrong too. Because she has done so much already. 

I've been replaying that conversation with Bailey Jay over and over and over. Feeling like an awful spouse, because I am afraid I didn't sound affirming, or supportive. But in some ways, it was probably important for me to mess up a little. Remind myself that I am still learning, but that the important thing is that I continue to learn, and grow. 

I don't always know the right things to say, and I think that is all part of the process as well. Things are changing for Candice, and they are for me as well. And I think messing up, flubbing words, being taken off guard and not knowing exactly what to say is part of the process that a spouse goes through. 

I am just lucky that I have a wife who is understanding and doesn't expect me to be perfect. She knows my heart is never in a bad place and that in a lot of ways, I am still learning. 

The Happiest Place on Earth...

Recently we took a trip to Disneyland. As usual, it was a great time. But there was something special this trip. 

There is a certain magic in the air at Disneyland. A magic that makes you feel like anything is possible. You take down your walls & are vulnerable & open. (At least that's how I feel) 

This magic was exactly what we needed. We have had some rough times lately- and we needed a few days where we spent them in sheer happiness & openess. 

We had a lot of great, casual-yet deep conversations. A lot of them about Candice's transition. Every time we talked about it, it makes me wonder why I am at all nervous. Why I think anything will change. I know it won't. I know in heart we are meant to be with each other. That this path is the one we are supposed to be on. 

The whole time we were there all I could think about was Candice, and how much I love her, and how I can't wait to see where life takes us next. 

I feel so excited about our adventures and about seeing her be her true self. Words can't describe the way I am feeling. 

Happy. 

True Trans

It's taken me a little while to figure out all the emotions I felt after watching Laura Jane Grace's show "True Trans". 

First, let me just say that it was amazing. I cried through all four episodes, but in a somewhat good way. Let me explain...

The show coming out now is particularly good for me and Candice. I cried the entire time because I saw her in everyone. I've heard her say all those same things before. I sat there, listening... Trying to help, but not knowing what to do or say. 

For the first time she is taking the steps towards being her true self, whatever that may look like or mean- she is on that path. 

I felt so many emotions while watching, but the most overwhelming one was the respect I felt for every person on that show, and for my wife. 

She has expressed her feelings multiple times, but having her laying in my lap, watching True Trans, and feeling her crying made things incredibly clear. 

I like to say that I've always known she would transition, but I don't think that's entirely true. 

I've always known it was a possibility, that's fair to say. Now I know it is reality. Even if she doesn't fully know it yet. Watching True Trans made me realize even more that there is no way she can not transition. 

I've had my share of fears regarding her transition, but they all went away after watching, and listening to everyone's stories. 

The most important thing to me is Candice's happiness. She is the most beautiful, perfect human I have ever known. She has shown me constant compassion through every one of battles, and it's my turn to do the same for her. 

This next chapter of her journey won't be easy, but I will be right by her side holding her hand. That is where I am meant to be. 

I know that even more now. 

Love

I've been thinking a lot (as usual) but in a different way. I've been thinking about love and Candice. 

I've never had any restrictions on love or what that meant. I've never had expectations on who my partner would be, or what they would look like. I have always figured that finding love was hard enough- so there was no point in limiting who you could fall in love with. 

When Candice told me about her being trans, I waited for it to bother me, for it to make me run away- but it only made me want to stay more. Her soul was beautiful- and I was already connected to her. In a way I had never felt before. 

I can't explain what made me stay, or what made me unaffected, other than love. I had this overwhelming feeling that she was who I was meant to spend my life with, no matter what that looked like. 

There are some people who are so beautiful, so mystifying, so intriguing that you can't help but be drawn to them. She is one of those people. You get these connections, these feelings, that can't be explained, but all you know is that you want to see that person everyday, and you want to see them happy. 

She has the most amazing smile. The one she makes when she thinks no one is looking. When she is truly happy & content. And I live for that smile. I long for it everyday and feel blessed everytime I see it. 

Other people probably would have ran away, other people don't understand her. But she always made sense to me. Our relationship and connection just always made sense. 

And that's the only way I can possibly explain it. 

I truly believe we were made for each other.