Forever.

I haven't blogged in awhile. There is a lot going on, things I can't really talk about yet- which makes it hard to blog. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Candice & I, and what our future looks like. If you think too much, it can get you real anxious. 

Rightfully so, we both have concerns about how transition is going to affect our relationship. We've heard & read the stories of relationships falling apart & those stories are more common than the success stories. 

But. When we look at it, the stories don't look like ours. Most of those stories, the partners sexual orientation doesn't match after transition. I understand that. You want to believe that love conquers all- but you can't expect a heterosexual woman to become a lesbian. I want to believe it can happen, but most times it doesn't. 

That is where I feel like we differ. My sexual orientation has never be clearly defined, I just never put thought into it. I just was attracted to who I was attracted to- and that was it. By definition, I would identify as pansexual. 

All my past relationships have been heterosexual ones, but my past relationships also all took place in high school. 

As an adult, I have been able to explore and understand my sexuality more. Not only do I find people of all sexes and gender identies attractive, I have a preference for trans people. That was something I wasnt fully aware of, something I didn't know how to express until being with Candice. I didn't know how to express my sexuality really at all until Candice. How lucky am I, that she was exactly what I was longing for- without even knowing it? I feel blessed about that all the time. 

And I would say I have a strong preference for trans people.  And not in a fetishized way. I genuinely find trans people to be the most beautiful people, inside & out. I believe that that is what makes Candice & I different. 

I know it's cliche, and everyone says it- but I didn't fall in love with what she looks like. I fell in love with who she is. And that isn't going to change. Plus, she's a super babe. 😻 

She was nervous about it the other day.. But it's gonna take more than transition to get rid of me. When we got married, I said forever, and I meant it. 

Emotions

Running rampant.

My words will fail me, but they usually do.    

Candice & I watched new episodes of True Trans today, which is why my brain is on overdrive. The episodes that were released today were perfect for Candice, and where she is at. She needed them. 

I need them too. I need to hear the stories, get more educated. I need to understand what Candice feels as much as possible. 

It never fails that I sit and stare, lost in thought after an episode. This time, I got angry. 

Angry that the world isn't a better place, that people have to feel alone, that being yourself is a battle, that there may be people who chose to not accept Candice, that people may be mean to her, that people think they have a right to judge others. 

I could go on. But I think the point is clear. 

I think Candice is the most beautiful person in the world, and the fact that there are people who can't see that, or understand that- makes me really sad. 

Why do people care? That always gets me. If someone isn't hurting anyone, why the hell do you care how they live their life?  

Basically I hate the world right now.