Pregnancy guilt

No one talks about the guilt you feel while pregnant. Not once have I read anything about it or had anyone talk to me about it. 

I've never been good at taking care of myself- or receiving help from others. When pregnant I am left with no choice most of time. But that lack of choice comes with the most extreme amount of guilt I have ever experienced. 

My entire pregnancy I have felt guilty for the things I am unable to do. I feel guilty that I can't carry heavy things, eat certain foods, help paint the house, climb ladders, work more hours, etc. I feel guilty that after a 6 hour day at work- I feel like crying and sleeping the rest of the day. So because I feel guilty- I push myself to keep doing things. Until I am at the point of exhaustion- which Is where I am now. 

I have been crying on and off all day. And if I could- it would be the only thing I do for th rest of the day. 

I'm not good at needing people- but I do right now. A lot. And I don't know how to ask for anything- because when I do- I just feel guilty. 

I am being blessed with my dream. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom- and that is coming true. There is no reason for me to be complaining. 

Spouse

It's an interesting position I'm in. I can't speak to Candices experience, or what it's like to be trans. So a lot of times, I feel like my voice doesn't matter. But I do have a role in all of this. And my story and what I am going through is important too.

I think the spouses story and experience gets overlooked a lot. I in no way think our experience is more important- but I think our perspective should be seen more often. 

It's not easy. For a plethora of reasons. It's terrible to see the person you love most hurting and you not being able to fix it. It's awful questioning what is going to happen, if you will be the couple who makes it, or if you will become another couple that didn't survive transition. It's hard to keep those fears and thoughts stored away, so you can be strong for your partner.  

There is a certain amount of pressure put on the spouse. A pressure that isn't easy to describe. You are the solid one, the rock. You need to be perfect, unfaltering. It's an unspoken pressure, but it is very real. And it's kind of expected of you- from everyone. Friends, family, strangers, and your spouse.

I wouldn't dream of not going through this with Candice, and I don't ever see myself leaving. In fact, I know I won't. I know we are meant to be together, But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard sometimes. I wish there were more stories being told that I can relate to. I wish it didn't feel so lonely sometimes.  

Cloud nine

It's really easy to get caught up in bullshit, fears, what ifs, and negativity.  But when you really think about it- none of that matters. 

At the end of the day- Candice & I will be together. I know that in my heart. I know she is the person I am supposed to be with. 

Life has been a whirlwind lately. But in mostly good ways. And those are what I need to remember. 

And the best thing lately... I am pregnant. 14 weeks today. Candice & I are gonna be parents. Which is something we have been trying for. 

In September of last year, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Prior to the miscarriage we had found out that I had some issues with getting pregnant. Knowing that, made the miscarriage even harder. The next 6 months were spent doing fertility treatments, and trying to get pregnant. 

Saying it was exhausting is an understatement. It was extremely hard on both of us, and definitely tested us in a lot of ways. 

Eventually we stopped trying. I was going crazy, and we needed to reevaluate. Re ground and regroup. Be us again. 

Shortly after that- I was a week late, took 5 pregnancy tests- all positive. And am now 14 weeks pregnant. 

I've been not facing that this is real. Because I am scared- but it is real. And it is happening. And I couldn't be happier about having a child with Candice. 

This pregnancy, and child is even more of a reminder of my love for Candice. 

The past few days have been spent thinking about those things. The positives. The things that matter. And what matters is that I am head over heels in love with Candice, and we are gonna have a baby. 😊

Selfish

I pride myself on being selfless. I believe it to be one of my best traits. No matter how much therapy I go through that tells me to "put myself first" I refuse to fully do that. And I am proud of that.

I am proud of loving someone so much that I don't matter anymore. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I honestly don't. 

I do value Candice more than I value myself. Her life and well being is and always will be more important to me than mine. And like I said- I don't think that's a bad thing. 

But sometimes, I have these bouts of selfishness that make me kind of sick. I've spent two days being selfish. And I pretty much hate myself for it. I am racking my brain to figure out the reasons why, and maybe somewhere in all the explanations I am coming up with is the truth. 

Candice needed me. She hasn't been taking the best care of herself and her needs, and I haven't been taking care of her either. She came to me- needed me. Needed my support & reassurance. And all I could do was spout out my fears and insecurities in regards to her transition. How fucked up and selfish of me. 

It is extremely out of character for me to do that. And she didn't even flinch at it... The first time. She thanked me for my honesty, said she appreciated it. I knew it wasn't true. And that I fucked up. But she never made me feel that way. 

Then the next day I went with her to an appointment, and we had lunch afterwards. And she asked me how I was feeling, being out together... Especially in regards to the feelings I had expressed the day before. 

I said I felt reassured. That I felt positive that things would always be that same, and that she would be the same person no matter what. That I loved her and everything would be fine. 

But I didn't stop there. In the way I always do, I tried to explain the previous day, and explain it (which wasn't needed) and in doing that, I ended up crying at lunch, and just reiterating the fears I had expressed before. I pushed her away, and made her feel like there was no way she could transition. That transition wouldn't be worth it, because it would hurt me to much. 

I spent the rest of the day feeling awful, and trying to make up for my shitty reactions and shitty choices of words. But it doesn't matter- they were said and I can't pretend like they weren't.

I feel like fears are natural- that I have a right to have these fears- and that they are justified. However I don't feel like I expressed them properly or fairly. 

I think that I have a lot of work to do in regards to preparing for her transition and that I should probably be talking to my therapist about it. 

I am incredibly disappointed in myself. It doesn't matter that she forgives me, or understands- I was wrong in the things I said. Because they are not the things I truly feel. 

I truly feel like we will be together forever, no matter what. I think we are one of the stories that will survive transition. But I don't think it will be easy. 

I think I need to speak more carefully, and think my thoughts through before I say them. And that is something i intend to work on. 

There is a lot going on in our lives right now, and there is a lot of pressure on Candice. And that pressure is already pushing her towards denying herself transition. That is the last thing I want. 

We have prided ourselves on always being a team- and being there for each other. I haven't been keeping up my end of that lately. 

And sure, I have reasons- but they don't excuse it. They don't make it right. 

Forever.

I haven't blogged in awhile. There is a lot going on, things I can't really talk about yet- which makes it hard to blog. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Candice & I, and what our future looks like. If you think too much, it can get you real anxious. 

Rightfully so, we both have concerns about how transition is going to affect our relationship. We've heard & read the stories of relationships falling apart & those stories are more common than the success stories. 

But. When we look at it, the stories don't look like ours. Most of those stories, the partners sexual orientation doesn't match after transition. I understand that. You want to believe that love conquers all- but you can't expect a heterosexual woman to become a lesbian. I want to believe it can happen, but most times it doesn't. 

That is where I feel like we differ. My sexual orientation has never be clearly defined, I just never put thought into it. I just was attracted to who I was attracted to- and that was it. By definition, I would identify as pansexual. 

All my past relationships have been heterosexual ones, but my past relationships also all took place in high school. 

As an adult, I have been able to explore and understand my sexuality more. Not only do I find people of all sexes and gender identies attractive, I have a preference for trans people. That was something I wasnt fully aware of, something I didn't know how to express until being with Candice. I didn't know how to express my sexuality really at all until Candice. How lucky am I, that she was exactly what I was longing for- without even knowing it? I feel blessed about that all the time. 

And I would say I have a strong preference for trans people.  And not in a fetishized way. I genuinely find trans people to be the most beautiful people, inside & out. I believe that that is what makes Candice & I different. 

I know it's cliche, and everyone says it- but I didn't fall in love with what she looks like. I fell in love with who she is. And that isn't going to change. Plus, she's a super babe. 😻 

She was nervous about it the other day.. But it's gonna take more than transition to get rid of me. When we got married, I said forever, and I meant it. 

Emotions

Running rampant.

My words will fail me, but they usually do.    

Candice & I watched new episodes of True Trans today, which is why my brain is on overdrive. The episodes that were released today were perfect for Candice, and where she is at. She needed them. 

I need them too. I need to hear the stories, get more educated. I need to understand what Candice feels as much as possible. 

It never fails that I sit and stare, lost in thought after an episode. This time, I got angry. 

Angry that the world isn't a better place, that people have to feel alone, that being yourself is a battle, that there may be people who chose to not accept Candice, that people may be mean to her, that people think they have a right to judge others. 

I could go on. But I think the point is clear. 

I think Candice is the most beautiful person in the world, and the fact that there are people who can't see that, or understand that- makes me really sad. 

Why do people care? That always gets me. If someone isn't hurting anyone, why the hell do you care how they live their life?  

Basically I hate the world right now. 

Trans Affirming

It's taken me a few days to sort through my thoughts enough to write them. I think I can do it now. I think. 😉

The other night Candice's transition came up while we were with one of our friends. The conversation was supportive and friendly- but it still caused me to think afterwards. 

I haven't had that type of conversation yet, other than with my mother, so it threw me off a bit. 

What I kept thinking about was how shocking it was to hear the questions being asked. Maybe shocking is the wrong word- but it's all I got right now. 

Candice & I live in a very trans affirming world. In our world- trans is a non issue. And I forget that it is not that way for everyone. When questions get asked that are inappropriate I have to remind myself that not everyone lives in the world that we do. 

It also reminds me that that was how I used to be. That I used to not know anything, and probably asked Candice all the wrong questions. She was patient with me, and still is. 

I'm not doing well with writing this blog. Forgive me. 

I guess the main take away from that night was to remember that not everyone thinks like I do. To remember to be patient, and teach. 

It's easy to get mad, but it gets us nowhere. People honestly don't know how to talk about it, so sometimes you need to help them learn.